A Simple Seven - #1

2012-01-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

2012 is upon us, and with it the promise of a new beginning. Many people long for new beginnings with their significant other - or perhaps with another significant other. :) Sadly, most folks realize that starting again only delays the realization that most of us need to grow and change the way we communicate and relate to others. Change and growth is on-going and required developmentally in all human relationships. So maybe we'd best get on with it and work on the one we've got or the relationship we are in.

Throughout this next year, I hope to blog in series of sevens - seven ideas for changing your relationships. You can focus on one idea for each day (once I get them together), or one idea for each week (which will probably be more my writing style), or one idea for each month. Either way, just working one idea at a time will, I promise you, make a difference in all your relationships.

So let's begin.

#1 - Stop blaming.

Blame is as old as the garden of Eden, and of all our relational habits, the least productive. Taking responsibility is hard to do when it seems SOOOO obvious that our partner is the one to blame.

The most common place where we blame others is for the feelings we carry. For example, if I am angry, its because you made me angry. If I am lonely, its because you don't want to be with me. If I am sad, its because you are so hurtful. If I am frustrated, its because you are so annoying. Sound familiar?

Feelings belong to us. They may be automatic responses, and come quite naturally without thought or consideration, however, they are still ours. No one "makes" us mad, sad, lonely or hurt. (Some of you may be sputtering already.) We spend a lot of time justifying why we feel the way we do and looking for evidence to support why we have the "right" to feel a certain way - and that's quite often the reason why we start blaming. Most of us don't know how to manage our feelings well. We don't know what to do with anger, how to comfort or soothe ourselves when we are hurt, sad or lonely. So we expect the person we are with to do that for us. We expect our partner to make us happy. We refuse the responsibility.

This may come as a surprise, but we are responsible for ourselves. Alot of times we get locked into negative patterns of relating because we have never stopped to say to ourselves - This is my life. These are my feelings. For many years I thought I was lonely because my husband was gone alot working and when home not an "out-going" kind of guy. I believed if he would be home more, and be more sociable when he was home I wouldn't be lonely - and WALA - a lot happier. After QUITE a few years, I realized he wasn't responsible for my lonliness - I was. So I started taking charge of my lonliness and doing something for myself, with others, and finding things to fill the spaces. Why hadn't I done this sooner? Because from the day I married I had it in my head he was responsible for my feelings.

People have no idea the creative ideas, and energies they possess when they stop believing if they just "fix" their partner, life would be better. Take responsibility for your life now. Take responsibility for your feelings and look for some tools to help you manage them better. If you have no ideas, ask others - what do YOU do when you feel upset? What do YOU do when you feel sad? When someone hurts you (and they will!) what do YOU do?

Try it..... is just one of a simple seven.

Switch it up

A Simple Seven - #1